Peace in the Check out Line

In order to prevent riots, and for the sake of consumers everywhere, I am issuing guidelines for the use of the Self Check-out Lines. These guidelines apply in Walmart and in grocery stores. They are as follows:

Please reconsider use of the self check-out lines if:

1. Your fake fingernails are so long that you cannot make the screen recognize any button that you push. You must be able to push the buttons with actual skin in order for them to respond to what you are typing.
2. You have more than 20 items in your shopping cart.
3. The last time you used a computer was more than 5 years ago.
4. You have lots of coupons.
5. You have lots of produce and do not understand the "produce lookup" system.
6. Family members and friends have lovingly joked that you are not the "sharpest knife in the drawer," "brightest bulb in the box," etc.
7. You like to chat with the checkout girl or guy. The checkout person will be responsible for all lines at the self check-out section and simply cannot focus on you. If you require such personal attention, please go to another line.
8. You did not drive yourself to the store because your family members have determined that you are too old to be driving. Or you drove to the store at a rate less than 45 miles per hour.
9. You don't really care if you get home before your ice cream melts and milk spoils.
10. You must care for more than one child while scanning your groceries.

Please understand that if you fit into one of these categories it is not a reflection on you as a person. It is, however, a reflection on your ability to use the self check-out system with optimum results. These lanes were meant for customers with fewer groceries, electronic aptitude, and a need to exit the store in a timely manner. If this is not you, please defer to the longstanding "full service" check-out lines. Thank you.